1st month back in Brazil

bibiIt’s been less than a month since I landed in Brazil after a year of living in the United States. I have a lot to talk about.
Before I started telling my adventures, I must say that in the United States the hardest thing for me was to feel that I was “stuck” in time to live the lives of other people, I used to ask God to take me back to my life.
Then he did.
I arrived on January 24, Thursday. After 10 hours of flying and writing my post “coming home”, I was there. I was so excited that I could not think, just wanted to get my bags and look for my father in the airport lounge. My father was late, so I didn’t run.
It took me 45 minutes to realize they lost my bags. Another 15 min to remember this is normal in Brazil.
At that moment I thought: It’s 95 ° F outside and I have a jacket, pants, gloves and hats in my handbag.
I began to think about the options I had. None. Just smile and enjoy Brazil.
My father arrived and I gave him the biggest hug I could ever give. You know, birthday, fathers day, christmas, happy new year, all in just a hug.
So at home.
I’m not gonna write much about my mother because she deserves a special text, but the hug was a little more emotional.
I had to start thinking about my clothes because I remembered I had an interview on Monday.
So I went to the interview wearing my mother’s clothes and shoes, and fortunately I got the job. I am an intern at a Canadian school. Maple Bear, like maple syrup.
My luggage arrived after 5 days. Yay!
The next step was for the university to register me again. To my surprise, my name was there all this time I was away. Because of this I was absent in 16 classes.
I was desperate! What about my scholarship?
A few days waiting for the university’s response, and it was: you can continue studying with your group of friends.
“Well, I could suffer with non-strangers, at least,” I thought.
I did not lose my scholarship, I was able to study the same subjects last year, so I got 21 subjects for this semester (God help me), but goodnews is: I’ll graduate this year instead of next year.
Do you think it’s over? Do not.
In the meantime I went to Paraná to visit my father and bring his things and my animals to Campinas. He was moving, too.
Suddenly, on the way back to Campinas, the truck broke down. We had 6 animals in the car, no clothes – again – no beds, no food, just us. It was a nightmare. We arrived safe, and it was a wonderful night that sleeps on the floor (literally).
We choose to keep the smile on our faces, because now we’re together again.
I decided to move to his apartment that is closer to the university than to his house. Dogs are not allowed in the building, which is why he rents a house. Cats will be with me.
Much more happened this first month, like the week I stayed with my friend who does not have a fridge, but we can keep in touch and I’ll tell you more.

I’m going to study 21 subjects this semester. I have furniture to buy. Exercises and gym to restart. Family members to embrace. Things to write and places to go.
I just started.
And I hope I can write more about it.


January 23rd

gabbiIt was all right while I was busy trying not to be late and miss my flight. But suddenly I saw the Brazilian flag on the plane and my heart stopped. I had to concentrate not to cry in line waiting for my turn to enter.
I said “boa tarde”, found my seat, I suffered to put my luggage, and just breathed, I was really doing it.
At first I was hungry, tired, but hearing people speaking Portuguese was comfortable. For the first time in 12 months I didn’t have to worry about pronunciation and grammar. I took few minutes until start crying.
Fool… But also so real.
Movies, dinner, wine and then coffee. Brazilian coffee. I ordered like I used to do in USA: black, without sugar or cream. Part of me wanted to taste the Brazilian coffee in its original taste. At that moment I closed my eyes, like who tastes a good wine, and felt the emotions that I was holding since I left my house.I was away from home. Not anymore. Few hours and I’m there.
For years I though I had to leave my house, family and friends to be a succeed adult. Maybe because I wanted to be just like my mom, that left her city in Minas Gerais to grow up in the big city, and became an amazing woman.
Now I realized I was wrong! I could have been an incredible woman living close to my family and friends, not alone in different places. For those who know me, understand that I wouldn’t have stayed at home expecting my dreams to come true, I’m not that kind of person, so I had to leave to discovered by myself.
It was good to have taken this time for me, I learned a lot, more than I ever imagined. A new journey begins.
but for now … should I sleep?
I have 7 hours remaining on this flight.


cropped-dona-borboleta-341.jpgQuerido futuro amor, não sei se já o conheço, mas quero deixar bem claro que já tive outros amores.
Ora bons, ora ruins, ora aqueles que te tiram a paz.
Meu grande amor, se hoje digo que o amo é porque você é especial em minha vida e que após muitas batalhas pessoais, meditações, terapias, traumas curados, hoje, eu consigo te deixar ficar.
Nessa casa não entra ninguém há um tempo e não foi por falta de vontade de receber possíveis amores, simplesmente porque ver alguém aqui, dentro da minha paz, por muito tempo foi dificil imaginar. Eu estava reformando a casa e precisava de tempo.
Acho que você entende o porque fui tão neutra todos esses meses., não entrando nas conversas íntimas, não dando espaço pra sentimento algum, eu so estava quieta.
Só escrevo isso pois tenho que confessar que te ter em meus dias hoje é novidade, e eu gosto disso.
Você sabe muito de mim mas pode ser que ainda precise saber mais, um dia de cada vez, todos os dias daqui por diante, pois a reforma da minha casa acabou, mas continuo construindo cômodos dentro do meu coração.

Vivendo os dias…

Parece que foi ontem que eu acordei e decidi que a vida que vivia não era a vida que eu queria.
Nem que merecia.
Parece que foi ontem que sai de casa pela primeira vez e logo voltava sabendo que minha mãe sempre teve razão.
Os dias passaram, eu mudei, de endereço e de jeito, de tal maneira que hoje moro em mim.
To tão feliz assim.
Hoje vejo que nada foi em vão e que as vezes quando você cai você voa, mesmo.
Olha só pra mim?
Ontem mesmo eu embarcava pra essa loucura e deixava abraços de recordação e hoje estou aqui vivendo um sonho que nunca imaginei ser meu.
Parece que foi ontem que eu vivia tudo isso.
E agora? Conto os meses ou vivo os dias?
Eis que estou aqui mais uma vez longe dos olhos, mas perto do coração, como disse minha mãe.
Parece que foi ontem que eu chorava de saudade
E realmente foi… Mas sempre lembro o que meu pai me disse: Volte, mas antes se realize!

Assim o farei.